Thinking like a fat person

My family and I went out this past weekend, and when we came out to get back into our car, my husband asked me why I went all the way around the car to get into the front passenger seat, when I could have easily fit through the space between our front bumper and the back bumper of the car in front of us. He laughed at me, and said I was still 'thinking like a fat person'. I realized that it's so true. When I'm going down a narrow hallway at work, I suck my stomach in and press my body to the side with my arm behind me, if I pass a person going the opposite way. I turn sideways to fit into places when very likely I could fit just fine going straight ahead. I avoid sitting anywhere I might have to squeeze between chairs (like some restaurants) because I'm afraid that I won't be able to fit and I will be embarrassed.
This whole 'body dysmorphia' thing is very strange.

I took my teen daughter shopping at Kohl's the other day and every time I caught sight of myself in the mirror, I just wanted to stop and stare. Who is that person? I really don't recognize her. I'm not (or at least I don't think I am) defined by my weight, yet this whole losing weight thing has radically altered my perception of myself. A positive change overall, but it's still a huge mental adjustment.

Another month, another size

I'm 7 months out from my surgery now and life is still pretty good. This week I wore two different sz 12 pants to work, which still kind of boggles my mind. I notice weird things like when I lie in bed on my side, my kneecaps press uncomfortably together so I have to switch up how I lay down. I guess I always had too much fat padding there before. I can feel my tailbone, never knew the bone was shaped like that before. Hard chairs kill my butt now. We went to the rodeo last weekend and sat on metal bleachers. My butt was sore for 2 days!! My collarbones are starting to emerge.

I just looked at a video of my family from a couple of years ago and I can't believe how huge I was. I still feel pretty fat most days but when I saw that video, I was like 'Dang, I was *really* fat!!'

I've been doing so much better on my vitamins, I have not missed a dose for almost a month now. I did buy a medcenter vitamin dispenser that allows you to set up an entire month's supply at once and that's been a huge help. I also put reminders in my phone to take my vitamins. I still hate my multivitamin horsepill but I've discovered that if I take with my protein shake, it goes down so much easier and doesn't get stuck or gag me. My hair loss is still going on, I keep thinking that it's slowing down but then more comes out. I got it cut much shorter last week (by at least 8 inches) so at least the lost hair isn't so bad on my bathroom floor.

I'm going goodwill shopping this afternoon and I just may dare buy some sz 10 clothing for the winter. It definitely won't fit me now but I've found it helpful to buy the next smaller size to have on hand. I like to try it on to gauge how my body is doing and see if I can squeeze my thighs in or zip things up yet!

Post-5k

Well I did not make my hoped for time of 45 minutes but I did finish it in 49 minutes, so that's pretty darn close. I shaved 6 minutes of my fastest treadmill time, yet I ran less than I previously have when doing a 5k on a treadmill. Still trying to figure that one out, haha. I was actually a little disappointed that I could not run more. But this was the first time I have ever run outside, in full view of others. Up to that point, I've been feeling self conscious and shying away from it. I'm feeling more motivated now. I guess if I can run in front of a few hundred people, I can certainly run around in my neighborhood.
My legs (hip flexors) are sore today but I'm feeling motivated to get back into a regular running program and hopefully do another 5k in October.
Bonus: I'm 91 lbs down today.

6 Month Surgiversary

Today is my 6 month surgiversary! Life overall is pretty dang good. There continue to be tradeoffs, of course, and I still have moments of self-pity that I can't eat x,y or z. Still not one day of regret.

I'm down a total of 85 lbs and am now fitting comfortably in most size 14 clothes and size L/XL shirts, depending on cut. My daughter gave me a pair of her Jr. sz shorts yesterday and they were a bit too big.. It's still weird to put my hands on my hips and feel hipbones instead of rolls of fat. Well, I still have fat, just a lot less than before.  I don't look quite like a melted candle but I definitely have loose and wrinkly skin in places.  The only place it really bothers me is my arms because those are pretty visible every day. And I have a bit of  a wattle forming where I used to have a double chin. Not crazy about that either. Still, WORTH THE PRICE. :)

Oh yes, the hair loss started in month 4 and continues on. I'm pretty confident it will grow back but it's very disconcerting to brush one's hair and see such a huge handful come out. My hair was so thick before I couldn't use a small ponytail holder and now I can wrap it around my tiny pinch of hair a couple times. To most people, though, I imagine it doesn't look bad. At least I hope so. Many people have said their hair loss stopped around 6 months so I'm really hoping that's the case for me too.

I've been getting on the treadmill sporadically, not as regularly as I would have liked. In 10 days, I'm doing my first 5k. I may not be able to run the whole thing, but I'm going to run as much as I can. I would love to finish it in 45 minutes but that may be a stretch. I'll update how it went!

4.5 month update

The good news is that I continue to feel great. I bought a bunch of sz 14 pants at Goodwill yesterday and decided to see much they would not fit. Well, I actually got them zipped up and buttoned. They do not look good enough to wear anywhere outside of my own bathroom, but I still felt pretty happy about it. The size 18s are definitely a thing of the past, they are all baggy in the seat and waist. I'm down 70 lbs as of today. Just 3 more pounds and I will have lost 50% of my excess weight. For a while the scale was moving so slow I was really afraid I would not make that goal by 6 months out, but needless to say, with 3 lbs to go I'm pretty confident I'll get there by next week.
I started a new job a bit over a month ago, which really took a toll on my exercising, but this past week I have recommitted and have been on the treadmill every day except 1. I hope to keep it up.

The bad news is that I got my first set of labs and they weren't so great. D is within the normal range but at the very bottom of normal. A is low, protein is low and all the iron markers are low. I haven't talked to my dr yet so I don't know what the plan will be. I have been getting in 100 grams of protein a day but evidently that is not enough. I will be trying to add one more shake a day at least so that should help.