Thinking like a fat person

My family and I went out this past weekend, and when we came out to get back into our car, my husband asked me why I went all the way around the car to get into the front passenger seat, when I could have easily fit through the space between our front bumper and the back bumper of the car in front of us. He laughed at me, and said I was still 'thinking like a fat person'. I realized that it's so true. When I'm going down a narrow hallway at work, I suck my stomach in and press my body to the side with my arm behind me, if I pass a person going the opposite way. I turn sideways to fit into places when very likely I could fit just fine going straight ahead. I avoid sitting anywhere I might have to squeeze between chairs (like some restaurants) because I'm afraid that I won't be able to fit and I will be embarrassed.
This whole 'body dysmorphia' thing is very strange.

I took my teen daughter shopping at Kohl's the other day and every time I caught sight of myself in the mirror, I just wanted to stop and stare. Who is that person? I really don't recognize her. I'm not (or at least I don't think I am) defined by my weight, yet this whole losing weight thing has radically altered my perception of myself. A positive change overall, but it's still a huge mental adjustment.

Another month, another size

I'm 7 months out from my surgery now and life is still pretty good. This week I wore two different sz 12 pants to work, which still kind of boggles my mind. I notice weird things like when I lie in bed on my side, my kneecaps press uncomfortably together so I have to switch up how I lay down. I guess I always had too much fat padding there before. I can feel my tailbone, never knew the bone was shaped like that before. Hard chairs kill my butt now. We went to the rodeo last weekend and sat on metal bleachers. My butt was sore for 2 days!! My collarbones are starting to emerge.

I just looked at a video of my family from a couple of years ago and I can't believe how huge I was. I still feel pretty fat most days but when I saw that video, I was like 'Dang, I was *really* fat!!'

I've been doing so much better on my vitamins, I have not missed a dose for almost a month now. I did buy a medcenter vitamin dispenser that allows you to set up an entire month's supply at once and that's been a huge help. I also put reminders in my phone to take my vitamins. I still hate my multivitamin horsepill but I've discovered that if I take with my protein shake, it goes down so much easier and doesn't get stuck or gag me. My hair loss is still going on, I keep thinking that it's slowing down but then more comes out. I got it cut much shorter last week (by at least 8 inches) so at least the lost hair isn't so bad on my bathroom floor.

I'm going goodwill shopping this afternoon and I just may dare buy some sz 10 clothing for the winter. It definitely won't fit me now but I've found it helpful to buy the next smaller size to have on hand. I like to try it on to gauge how my body is doing and see if I can squeeze my thighs in or zip things up yet!

Post-5k

Well I did not make my hoped for time of 45 minutes but I did finish it in 49 minutes, so that's pretty darn close. I shaved 6 minutes of my fastest treadmill time, yet I ran less than I previously have when doing a 5k on a treadmill. Still trying to figure that one out, haha. I was actually a little disappointed that I could not run more. But this was the first time I have ever run outside, in full view of others. Up to that point, I've been feeling self conscious and shying away from it. I'm feeling more motivated now. I guess if I can run in front of a few hundred people, I can certainly run around in my neighborhood.
My legs (hip flexors) are sore today but I'm feeling motivated to get back into a regular running program and hopefully do another 5k in October.
Bonus: I'm 91 lbs down today.

6 Month Surgiversary

Today is my 6 month surgiversary! Life overall is pretty dang good. There continue to be tradeoffs, of course, and I still have moments of self-pity that I can't eat x,y or z. Still not one day of regret.

I'm down a total of 85 lbs and am now fitting comfortably in most size 14 clothes and size L/XL shirts, depending on cut. My daughter gave me a pair of her Jr. sz shorts yesterday and they were a bit too big.. It's still weird to put my hands on my hips and feel hipbones instead of rolls of fat. Well, I still have fat, just a lot less than before.  I don't look quite like a melted candle but I definitely have loose and wrinkly skin in places.  The only place it really bothers me is my arms because those are pretty visible every day. And I have a bit of  a wattle forming where I used to have a double chin. Not crazy about that either. Still, WORTH THE PRICE. :)

Oh yes, the hair loss started in month 4 and continues on. I'm pretty confident it will grow back but it's very disconcerting to brush one's hair and see such a huge handful come out. My hair was so thick before I couldn't use a small ponytail holder and now I can wrap it around my tiny pinch of hair a couple times. To most people, though, I imagine it doesn't look bad. At least I hope so. Many people have said their hair loss stopped around 6 months so I'm really hoping that's the case for me too.

I've been getting on the treadmill sporadically, not as regularly as I would have liked. In 10 days, I'm doing my first 5k. I may not be able to run the whole thing, but I'm going to run as much as I can. I would love to finish it in 45 minutes but that may be a stretch. I'll update how it went!

4.5 month update

The good news is that I continue to feel great. I bought a bunch of sz 14 pants at Goodwill yesterday and decided to see much they would not fit. Well, I actually got them zipped up and buttoned. They do not look good enough to wear anywhere outside of my own bathroom, but I still felt pretty happy about it. The size 18s are definitely a thing of the past, they are all baggy in the seat and waist. I'm down 70 lbs as of today. Just 3 more pounds and I will have lost 50% of my excess weight. For a while the scale was moving so slow I was really afraid I would not make that goal by 6 months out, but needless to say, with 3 lbs to go I'm pretty confident I'll get there by next week.
I started a new job a bit over a month ago, which really took a toll on my exercising, but this past week I have recommitted and have been on the treadmill every day except 1. I hope to keep it up.

The bad news is that I got my first set of labs and they weren't so great. D is within the normal range but at the very bottom of normal. A is low, protein is low and all the iron markers are low. I haven't talked to my dr yet so I don't know what the plan will be. I have been getting in 100 grams of protein a day but evidently that is not enough. I will be trying to add one more shake a day at least so that should help.

4 month surgiversary

Well it has been almost 4 months since my surgery. In some ways I am disappointed with my progress and in other ways I can't believe how far I've come. I'm down 65 lbs and I'm comfortably wearing almost all size 16 pants and size L/XL shirts.  I even dared buy some size 14 pants which I anticipate fitting into soon. I saw a cute sleeveless dress/jacket combo at Goodwill, size 10 and in a moment of rashness I bought it. And while I can fit into it, it's unflatteringly tight at the waist. It'll be quite a while before I would actually wear it anywhere, but still it was kind of a thrill to actually stand there wearing a size 10 anything.

For a while, I was exercising every day and got up to the 5th week of the couch to 5k program. Then I went back to work and the exercise went by the wayside. I'm really hoping to get back into the routine very soon as I know I felt a lot better when I was exercising every day. The skin issue sucks a bit, my flappy arms are not pretty nor are the wrinkly thighs very attractive. However, I wouldn't trade back for anything.

Eating-wise, I'm doing pretty good. I haven't found much that disagrees with me. That said, I have not been super adventurous because I'm trying to stay committed to the party line, i.e. high protein, low carb, lots of fluids. Of course I can still only eat small quantities. Sometimes its hard for me to finish a single scrambled egg and other times I can eat a bit more.

Overall I'm feeling really good and energetic. This next week I will get my first set of labs and then I will see what adjustments I need to make to Vitalady's basic DS plan.

One week later

Just a week ago I was crowing about the fact that I could fit into size 18. And then I decided on a whim to try on a pair of size 16 capris. And wouldn't ya know, they fit. Perfectly. So then I tried on a 2nd pair of 16s. They fit too but give me more of a muffin top than I would like so I'm not going to say I'm an actual size 16 just yet. Still, I went out and about today rocking that first pair of 16s.

Size 18 baby!

My teenage daughter who was a bit overweight recently lost some weight and donated all her size 18 pants to me. They've been sitting in a pile in my closet.
I also had gotten some sz 18 dress pants at a thrift store last week, I wasn't going to buy them, but they were only $1 so I said what the hell. So I see them sitting there, and I decide to see how close they would come to fitting. They looked impossibly small, but somehow, they went on with ease and fit perfectly. So with some trepidation, I looked at the pile of jeans, thinking these are probably not going to fit, the other pair was just a fluke. But once again, those jeans slid right on, zipped and buttoned up with no problems. And they were comfy! Naturally, I then had to try on the whole stack of jeans. And they *all* fit! How is this even possible? Less than 3 months ago, I was wearing tight 24/comfy 26 sizes. And now I'm in an 18??
It's so strange because when I look in the mirror I don't see a lot of change. My thighs look as lumpy and dumpy as ever and the booty looks large enough to knock down a house.

11 weeks

Even though I've read plenty of stories about early stalls and lots of advice not to worry about it, it was nearly impossible for me not to stress when the scale stopped moving for about 3 weeks. The 2 lbs I wrote about in my last post would just not go away, nor would any of their friends! Finally I think my body gave in and started losing again. I lost those 2 lbs and 8 more within a week, so that puts me at 54 lbs down in 11 weeks. I'm hoping to be down 6 more lbs by the 13th, which is my 3 month surgiversary. However, other than eating the DS way (i.e. protein over 100 g/carbs around 50g/plenty of fluids), I think I've learned it's not really within my control. I just have to trust in the process. Many people apparently do lose lbs in chunks, and it seems to be true for me right now as well.

2 months out

It's been two months since surgery and things are going pretty well. The memories of the early pain and discomfort are starting to fade and I feel about 95% recovered. I still have an occasional moment where I feel like crap but those moments are really few and far between.
My weight loss has been slow the last month. I'm trying not to stress about it too much but it seems to be ever present on my mind. Mind you, I'm down 46 lbs in two months and I guess that's not too shabby. Still, I've been up and down the same 2 lbs for the last 10 days so it's really annoying.
I went to a thrift store and got some new clothes and it was exciting to get shirts 2-3 sizes smaller and pants 2 sizes smaller. That made me feel better about the stubborn scale.
I'm tracking everything in My Fitness Pal so I can make sure I'm staying around 50 carbs and getting in over 100g of protein a day. Some days I don't make that goal, either one. Yesterday was a particularly tiny tummy day and I only got in about 50g of protein. Later in the evening I felt a bit hungry and decided to eat a bit more of the chicken thighs we'd had for dinner. Big mistake. That chicken only stayed in my tummy for about 10 minutes before it made a hasty exit. Still, I'm lucky since that's the first time I've vomited since surgery.
I also started seriously exercising about 2 weeks ago. Every day I try to do a little something, and I also started the Couch to 5k program. I finished the 2nd week of the program today but I feel a bit daunted about the 3rd week. I might wait a couple more days to start the next one. Every week, the running times double. This 2nd week, the running times were 1.5 minutes interspersed with 2 minutes walking. So next week, it would be intervals of 3 minutes running. Since I barely made it through the 90 seconds, I think I might have to do a remedial second week before attempting the 3 minute run. I know that doesn't sound like much, but for someone who hasn't seriously exercised in a long time, it is a big deal.
There's no question I could not have done this 46 lbs ago, I feel a whole new energy that I didn't have before.

Bleah

Sometimes I just can't figure this crap out.
Since surgery, I've had this kind of sore spot in my belly. It's not right underneath the incision line, it's a bit to the left of my belly button. I wasn't worried about it, just figured it's one of the places where something was done in there during surgery. Saturday night, every time I rolled over in bed or moved a certain way, it hurt. A sharp, poking pain. Enough to say "ouch!" out loud but not super bad. Sunday I woke up, went to get out of bed, and oh my gosh. Bad bad pain. Enough to double me over and almost start crying. After 5 or 10 minutes, the pain dissipated. I gingerly palpated my tummy and the site felt sore like a bad bruise but bearable. Over the course of the morning, I had a few more episodes, usually caused by getting up out of a chair or twisting slightly. Each time it really felt like something was tearing inside me.
I wanted to wait until Monday but was finally driven to call the surgeon. After a brief conversation, he told me that he thought it was a muscle sprain and prescribed Motrin (with some extra acid reducer to protect my stomach) and alternating ice and heat.
Who the hell gets a stomach muscle sprain by doing a gentle 1 mile walk on the treadmill?? This girl, apparently.

Ups and Downs

Today has definitely been an "up" day. I have felt pretty good all day, I got my first two sets of vitamins in with no problems, had bacon for the first time since surgery (a DSer's staple in life) and even felt good enough to get on the treadmill. I walked a brisk mile and could have done more but didn't want to tire myself out too much. This is the first time I've exercised since surgery and I'm pretty happy with how I felt afterwards. There is no question that a loss of over 40 lbs since I last exercised makes it a heck of a lot easier!
I'm already planning to go for a hike this weekend with the kids so that should be a lot of fun. I need to stock up on healthy snacks for the hike!
The downs have also been considerable. I finally am taking the full Vitalady regime and although it's difficult to get down all the pills, the Tender Iron is making my life a misery. Not long after taking it, I start getting these horrendous burps from hell.. It's like I'm burping out iron with a bad burning taste. Its even worse than I can describe it. I tried swapping out the morning and night vites so I would be taking the iron at bedtime but that was a bad decision. The burps actually woke me up and then prevented me from getting back to sleep and I just felt sick all night. I emailed Vitalady about it and was advised to start with 2 tender irons per day and gradually work up to 5. So this morning I just took 2. I still burped but the quantity and severity was nowhere near as bad. I'm going to give it a shot but if increasing the dosage brings back the misery, I'm switching to something else. Naturally, I bought 2 giant bottles of the tender iron so hopefully I can find someone to buy them off me, if that ends up being the case.

One Month Out

.....and 40 lbs down! But more importantly, I finally am starting to feel better. Yesterday I had to take one of my children to the orthodontist, then went on to stop at Ulta and finally Wegman's. And I didn't feel like I was going to fall over by the time I got to the last register. Mind you, I still spent the rest of the evening in the recliner but it was definitely the best I've felt yet while out and about.
While in the grocery store, one my kids asked me how I was feeling, then clarified that she was asking me about my back pain, the chronic low back pain that has been the plague of my life the last few years. Bad enough that I preferred to sleep on the couch, carried Motrin with me wherever I went, and made any shopping trip excruciating because I would almost be in tears by the end. And I realized that while my back is still hurting, the intensity level is far, far lower than it has been in a long while. If this is a side-benefit of losing weight, it's one I'll gladly take.

Almost one month

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my surgery. Overall things are going well. My biggest complaint is my tiredness and lack of energy. This is probably at least partially caused by me not getting enough fluids in. I'm still working on getting that 64 oz daily in, I've never made it yet but am getting closer.

Eating is going better as well. At first I could only take tiny sips of things, and if I forgot and took a bigger swallow, my stomach pain quickly reminded me! I'm in the pureed phase of foods which is appropriate because denser forms of protein do not sit well at all. Some things that have gone down well are refried beans with some shredded cheese melted in and a little bit of sour cream; soups (had some chicken tortilla soup from Costco that was yummy, it took me about 5 days to finish the 1.5 cup container haha); yogurt; ricotta fluff stuff; and slices of cheddar cheese. I'm having a lot of weird food aversions in that some things that are probably good for me to eat just sound vile and disgusting. I've been getting in a protein shake every other day because the in between days, I can't stomach it. The other days they taste good initially but by the time I'm done with it, I'm having to force it down like it's medicine. I guess I need 48 hours to recover from it.

Vitamin-wise, I'm only taking a limited amount so far. Anything in capsules is going down fine, D, A and the sublingual B12. After not being able to get down the calcium horse sized pills I bought originally (2 giant bottles of them, naturally) I bought another bottle of the Citrical petites. I can get down a couple a day, with some difficulty, but they seem to sit in my stomach forever. I saw that Vitalady has calcium capsules so I may get some of those eventually. I just hate to spend yet more money when I have some already that are the right formulation. Bah.
This week, I'm really going to focus on ramping up the vitamin regimen, even if it's hard to do.

Post-op Visit Update

I saw the surgeon yesterday for my first post-op visit. I am officially down 31 lbs since my preop visit and 38 lbs down since I first saw him in October. Even more if you count from my high weight over the summer but I'll take any of those numbers. :)
So the weight loss is definitely a plus. On the negative side, I have a lot of nausea and weakness every day and I am really struggling with eating or drinking much. The Dr. gave me an Rx for Zofran which should help, although he cautioned me that he doesn't want me to get dependent on it. I'm primarily concerned about getting dehydrated so I'm forcing the fluids more than food but it's really hard when just the thought of taking one more sip of anything makes me want to vomit. He also cleared me to start pureed foods so I have a wider variety of foods to choose from.
I took some sips of diet ginger ale yesterday and it was really helpful. I don't want to be drinking much (or any) diet soda at this point, but if it's something I can get down without feeling more sick, then I'll take it. Lemonade Crystal Light is also something I'm doing better with. Liquids that are very cold or very hot seem to sit the best.
Today so far I got down half a protein coffee and some crystal light. For food, I made some deviled eggs and ate 2 (both halves of a single egg)  over about 2 hours time. Hopefully I'll be able to get a few more things to eat before the day is out.
I still haven't learned the point in which I  need to stop eating before I get so full I want to vomit. It doesn't take much, i.e. 2 bites go down fine, then the third seems to sit in my throat for an hour. I would probably feel better if I upchucked that last bite but I don't want to start any bad habits. Plus I really do need the nutrition.
Pain-wise, the discomfort is getting better but I still have a lot of sharp, stabby pain at the incision line, especially while sitting up, even if I'm partially reclined. It feels better to stretch out fully and I can sleep on my stomach without much issue. However, that is dramatically getting better and I have moments where I realize my incision didn't hurt for a few hours.
Overall, I think I'm doing about as well as can be expected for 2.5 weeks after surgery. I do sense things getting better so I'm trying not to get discouraged.

Surgery and hospital stay

First of all, I'm so thrilled that Dr. Greenbaum was able to do the full DS! The scar tissue did cause the surgery to take longer (about 5 hours total) but it was successful and I only lost about 1/2 cup of blood during the surgery. I really don't remember most of the rest of surgery day. I'm told I went to the recovery room for a few hours then to a room in the Critical Care Unit. I vaguely recall my husband being in the room and him telling me it was 6:30 pm. I'm also pretty sure they had me up and out of bed that same day, just walking to the curtain on the room and back, supported by two nurses. Oh yeah, I did find out on my phone that he took a very unflattering picture of me sleeping and texted it to all my family. LOL
Pain management while in the hospital was pretty good, I had an in-wound continuously running pump and also a morphine pump on-demand. I also had full heart monitoring the entire time I was in the hospital as well as a JP drain, IV, central line and pressure cuff at all times. Other than the times I was up walking, I had the compression boots on my legs and they also put support stockings on me.
The morning after the surgery, I was taken down to radiology for an upper GI. It was not a pleasant experience. They had me sitting in a chair until the moment when the radiologist walked into the room, then had me stand up in the machine and drink some nasty stuff. It was very hard to drink very much, I think I got three small gulps down. Fortunately, the radiologist gave the all-clear and I was sent back to my room. The nausea was terrible that day. They first gave me Zofran, then later Phenergan. It was then end of the day before the nausea subsided somewhat.
The third day, I was allowed some water and ice chips. Tiny sips were tolerated pretty well. They also took out the catheter which was good on one hand, but on the other hand it also meant that every time I had to pee (which is pretty often when you have an IV!) I had to ring for a nurse to get unhooked from all the monitoring and get out of bed, only to reverse the process in a short time. I was also told that I would be sent to a regular room as soon as one was available, but in fact that never happened, I stayed in the CCU the entire time I was in the hospital.
By the 4th day, they were giving me a full bariatric tray with jello, coffee, broth and water. I didn't eat more than a few bites of each but everything sat pretty well. Any nausea was minimal. They finally took out my central line but they had a hard time getting out all the stitches in my neck. In fact, I still have one more knot they couldn't get out but hopefully the Dr. will be able to extract it when I go for my postop appt. My kids say my neck looks like I was bitten by a vampire haha!
The following day I was finally discharged. Dr. Greenbaum took out the JP drain and the in-wound pain pump and the nurses unhooked everything else.
The drive home was pretty excruciating, every bump in the road hurt and even sitting up in the car was not very comfortable, but it was sure great to walk in my own home again and see and (gingerly!) hug my kids.

Surgery Eve

I feel like I dodged a bullet, dh is getting better and I have no sign/symptoms of any sickness.
Dh is currently at the airport collecting my mom and aunt and the house is as clean as it's going to get.
I'm enjoying a Mountain Dew as I type this, the first sugary soda I've had in eons. Since today is clear fluids only, and the surgeon said caloric liquids are fine, I figured I would enjoy a real non-diet drink instead of my usual diet Pepsi.
Strangely, this preop diet has gotten easier as I got closer to the date. I went to a local DS gathering last night and was not even tempted by all the yummy food being eaten around me. And I made several pans of enchiladas today for the family to eat while I'm in the hospital. You'd think that would be hard, temptation-wise but it really wasn't.
My next post will be either from the hospital, if I feel up to it, or after I get home. I have every toe and finger crossed that the surgeon will be able to do the full DS tomorrow.

Today

Dh is sick today. :(
This may sound unfeeling but if he gets me sick and I have to postpone my surgery, I'm going to kill him! (figuratively speaking of course)

3 days to go (but who's counting?)

Just called the hospital to get my surgery time - it's at 7:30 am so I have to be there at 6 am. Which means we have to leave our house at 4:30 am. Dh was ecstatic at that news... not. At least we won't hit any traffic at that time in the morning, there's always a silver lining to everything. :)

5 days to go

I went to Costco today to check out what kinds of foods they have for my immediate post-op period. I shouldn't have gone with Dh and my 6 yr old because of course they were liberally partaking of all the great looking samples. I ended up not buying anything food-wise for me but at least I have a list of what I can send dh back for, sometime next week. Greek yogurt for sure, ricotta cheese. Maybe some more hummus if we are out.

I'm down 11 lbs on the liquid protein shake diet. Plain broth is sounding more and more delicious.

Pre-Admission Testing

I went to the hospital today and completed my pre-admission testing, it's starting to feel more real! I'll admit to a little bit of anxiety when having the chest x-ray, since that's what derailed my surgery the last time it was scheduled. It's probably baseless after all I've been through recently, and I *just* had a chest x-ray in January so the pulmonologist would sign off on me having the surgery, but still...
So far I'm 8 lbs down on the liquid diet. I'm hoping for close to 15 by the surgery date - I want my liver to be nice and small LOL!

Can't look away

Why do I torture myself by watching the Food Network, especially Paula Deen??

Protein Shake Blahs

Wow, this liquid diet is harder than I thought it would be. If I lived alone, I could have cleared out the fridge of all the food and not been tempted by anything. But since the dh and kids would not agree to that (haha) I have to smell and see the yummy food they are eating every day. I think after surgery it might be a bit easier since I probably won't feel like eating as much, nor will I be able to physically hold very much in my new small tummy.

Home Help

My mom and aunt will be flying out from CA to stay while I'm having my surgery and most of the week afterwards. I'm so happy! Since my husband works 2nd shift, it was going to be rough figuring out what to do with the kids while I'm in the hospital so this is a big relief. Of course now I need to redouble my efforts to get the house clean and caught up on all the laundry. Ack! On the bright side, staying busy will take my mind off being nervous.

Pre-Op Dr. Visit

Saw Dr. Greenbaum yesterday for my Pre-op visit. We went over what the plans are in case he cannot do the duodenal switch and we agreed to do a sleeve instead. He offered to do a distal RNY but I declined that, I do *not* want to lose my pyloric valve.  I know that's going to be my first question as soon as I get out of anesthesia - Was he able to do the full DS surgery? This chat was necessary since I may have extensive scar tissue right around where he needs to make the incision below the pylorus valve, no way to know for sure until he gets in there.  However, I do feel confidence that if he says it couldn't be done, it really couldn't be done.

We went out to eat Thai food for my 'Last Supper' but that was cut short when my 6 yr old got violently sick at the table.  Um, check please?? LOL

Today I start my liquid diet, I'm sipping strawberry protein shake as I type this. Dr. Greenbaum provides all the shakes for the 2 week liquid diet so at least I don't have to wonder what's acceptable and what's not.  I picked a mix of strawberry, chocolate and vanilla. I think later on I will use ice and crush it in the blender instead of using a blender bottle, the texture is slightly gluey but the taste isn't bad.

I have a date!!

Just got the call - approved and have a date for Feb. 13th!! I'm so excited and nervous - my hands are shaking.

Waiting is torture

So my request for pre-authorization for DS has been in my insurance company's hands for a week now. I'm pretty sure I have jumped through every hoop and it should be approved but I'm still so nervous about getting a denial at this late stage. I called them on Monday and was told it was a two week turnaround for approval. I called them again today and told them I was hoping to have my surgery done in mid-February and thus needed approval this week. I heard the person typing away on the other end and then she told me she had sent the notes over to the nurse practitioner and they would be calling my surgeon with a pre-auth number. I'm really really hoping this means they will get that call by tomorrow.